Today I took Gabrielle to her orthodontist appointment. I was really looking forward to the day. We made her appointment on time and then we went to Home Depot. Not her favorite place to be, but I needed a couple shelves. I picked up 2 corner shelves and one cheap shelf with 3 decorative brackets. When I saw the cost I wanted to just put it all back. Way too much money for what I got. But that's a post for another time. Gab loves orange chicken but it was too early for lunch and we weren't hungry. I told her I'd been wanting to take her to Applebee's for a dessert there.
"OK, let's have lunch there, mom"
"Great"
As we rode back into town (her ortho appt is 2 hours away) she reminded me about Applebees.
Mom: Let's split a sandwich too.
Gab: OK
We are seated in the restaurant and she ask: Can we get fried pickles?
No, I don't want to buy a sandwich, an appetizer and dessert. What kind of sandwich would you like?
I'm thinking she really likes Applebees and there is a certain sandwich she likes. I'll let her choose the sandwich, but there is no way we can each eat a whole sandwich so we'll just split it. Save money and not waste food. I'm thinking that this is such a fun treat.
Mom: "so what kind of sandwich do you what?
Gab: shoulder shrug
Mom: Oh look there's: and I read several things off the menu.
No interest from Gab. She has totally with drawn from me.
The waiter finally shows up and I order coffee and dessert. She orders a soda.
I am trying really hard not to be upset. I'm thinking I was so looking forward to this. Maybe I should have ordered the pickles. I can't believe she's acting like this just because I said no to pickles. I guess I miss read her interest.
Dessert comes. I'm the only one that eats it. There is no conversation. I make a couple attempts, but it's just too hard. Maybe she really wasn't interested in dessert. I could have ordered the pickles and then I could have enjoyed her. Pickles, no sandwich. I mean it was about being with her, not the food.
Then she ask, can you take me to the store for some bread crumbs?
Mom: No, not tonight I want to go home.
Gab: I was thinking maybe I could make my own pickles.
Mom: We can get some next time I go, but I'm not going tonight.
We make 2 stops on the way home and then I was called to work. I'm sure she's over the whole pickle thing, but I'm still sitting here rolling it over in my head. Why was it such a big deal. Why didn't I just order the pickles? Why did she choose not to join me in what I saw as a gift just because I didn't order pickles. See at first I thought, her change in attitude has nothing to do with the pickles. Until she asked to go to the store so she could make her own.
This is a very typical situation with Gab and I.
It makes me nuts. Sometimes I can just shrug and realize it's just the way she is. Other times, I take it very personally and spend a lot of time wondering if I could of/ should of handled it differently.
That was my day. I probably shouldn't have taken up web space and your time with such nonsense. Then again, it's nice to dump it.
I hope all of you had a wonderful day. Enjoy your week end.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Last Sunday I went to church with a friend. We had made plans for lunch after we each went to our respective churches. I decided at the last minute just to go to her church with her. She was so excited that I changed my mind. As odd as this sounds it was really nice to see some one get excited about being at church with me. While I was there we sang a song that prompted my question: "What's in your heart; faith or fear?" Your answers were encouraging because they were honest; I thought. My answer? FEAR. Why? Of what?
Not of Michael being gone. There is no fear there. For some reason I have this confidence and assurance that he will be home to me. That I will again hold him in my arms and know the security and solidity of my man. No, I don't take that for granted. I know how much my Michael loves His Jesus and how seriously he takes his commitment to me. He loves me.
So that takes me back to fear of what? Fear of failure, not being good enough. Never measuring up. That fear is not of God. I know that scripture tells me that. He will never leave me or forsake me. I am not worthy, I am saved by grace. I am a Princess, a child of THE King. I know that with my head but for some reason unbeknowst to me I doubt it with my heart. That's what allows the fear to take root.
So last Sunday through the preaching and singing at my friend's church I learned that I'm rooted in unreasonable fear.
The last couple of weeks I have come across blogs that talk about prayer. I wish I could link you to them. So I could hear God introducing a new theme to me. There is power in prayer. Prayer can change things. It can take my fear and turn it into faith. Oh don't get me wrong, I got the talking part down. There is nothing I won't say or ask to Jesus in prayer. I tell Him just what I think and ask for it all. I even know that when I'm hurting and my prayers are only just groanings and noise that the Holy Spirit will take that noise and interpret it to Jesus.
No, it's not the talking that's my problem. It's the listening. The being still part. Reading the Bible. Oh I read it. I enjoy the scriptures. But I don't slow down long enough to soak it up and HEAR what Jesus wants me to know.
Today I made it to my church. Both of my children were with me. As one of my friends put it, I was doing the happy dance. Yes, it felt good to be in my church with my kids.
Do you guys remember months ago I wrote a post about Travis. He was a little boy in the Sunday School that I was teaching at the time. He came on the bus and had a really hard time adjusting to being in his class with out his brother. Today, at church he was there with a man. This man introduced himself as Travis' dad. Talk about a happy dance! I was so excited to know that this man was at church with Travis.
Then... during the closing prayer I asked my son to quit making noise. It was a suttle noise, but my eyes were closed and he was bothering me.
He responded with a LOUD whisper that he wasn't making any noise. I am just so very sure that the entire church heard him. He beelined it to the car as soon as amen was said.
When I made it to the car I explained that he was disturbing me, that was why I said something. He told me that if I didn't want to be disturbed at church then I shouldn't bring him, he didn't want to listen to that "Jesus psyco babble". Oh yea. Folks I didn't twist his arm and make him come to church with me. He was very angry about something and he told me it wasn't me. I left the car found a corner to cry in. Got myself together, tracked down my daughter and we left.
The rest of the day went ok, once I was able to choke down the tears enough to pretend all was well.
I'm not sure why I shared all that. Only that my heart breaks for my kids. It takes all I have to keep from thinking that I did some thing wrong in their raising. I have to constantly self talk, reassuring myself that God is big enough to handle the problem. Both of my kids claim a salvation experience. I see no fruit. Again, God is big enough and knows their heart. Here again is my fear, not my faith. God loves my kids far more than I could ever dream of loving them and I love them A LOT!
Not of Michael being gone. There is no fear there. For some reason I have this confidence and assurance that he will be home to me. That I will again hold him in my arms and know the security and solidity of my man. No, I don't take that for granted. I know how much my Michael loves His Jesus and how seriously he takes his commitment to me. He loves me.
So that takes me back to fear of what? Fear of failure, not being good enough. Never measuring up. That fear is not of God. I know that scripture tells me that. He will never leave me or forsake me. I am not worthy, I am saved by grace. I am a Princess, a child of THE King. I know that with my head but for some reason unbeknowst to me I doubt it with my heart. That's what allows the fear to take root.
So last Sunday through the preaching and singing at my friend's church I learned that I'm rooted in unreasonable fear.
The last couple of weeks I have come across blogs that talk about prayer. I wish I could link you to them. So I could hear God introducing a new theme to me. There is power in prayer. Prayer can change things. It can take my fear and turn it into faith. Oh don't get me wrong, I got the talking part down. There is nothing I won't say or ask to Jesus in prayer. I tell Him just what I think and ask for it all. I even know that when I'm hurting and my prayers are only just groanings and noise that the Holy Spirit will take that noise and interpret it to Jesus.
No, it's not the talking that's my problem. It's the listening. The being still part. Reading the Bible. Oh I read it. I enjoy the scriptures. But I don't slow down long enough to soak it up and HEAR what Jesus wants me to know.
Today I made it to my church. Both of my children were with me. As one of my friends put it, I was doing the happy dance. Yes, it felt good to be in my church with my kids.
Do you guys remember months ago I wrote a post about Travis. He was a little boy in the Sunday School that I was teaching at the time. He came on the bus and had a really hard time adjusting to being in his class with out his brother. Today, at church he was there with a man. This man introduced himself as Travis' dad. Talk about a happy dance! I was so excited to know that this man was at church with Travis.
Then... during the closing prayer I asked my son to quit making noise. It was a suttle noise, but my eyes were closed and he was bothering me.
He responded with a LOUD whisper that he wasn't making any noise. I am just so very sure that the entire church heard him. He beelined it to the car as soon as amen was said.
When I made it to the car I explained that he was disturbing me, that was why I said something. He told me that if I didn't want to be disturbed at church then I shouldn't bring him, he didn't want to listen to that "Jesus psyco babble". Oh yea. Folks I didn't twist his arm and make him come to church with me. He was very angry about something and he told me it wasn't me. I left the car found a corner to cry in. Got myself together, tracked down my daughter and we left.
The rest of the day went ok, once I was able to choke down the tears enough to pretend all was well.
I'm not sure why I shared all that. Only that my heart breaks for my kids. It takes all I have to keep from thinking that I did some thing wrong in their raising. I have to constantly self talk, reassuring myself that God is big enough to handle the problem. Both of my kids claim a salvation experience. I see no fruit. Again, God is big enough and knows their heart. Here again is my fear, not my faith. God loves my kids far more than I could ever dream of loving them and I love them A LOT!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
New Lenses
Several weeks ago I went to the eye Dr. for an eye exam. My arms were just getting too short.
The Dr. commented that I was seeing none to good with my far away vision as well. So, I asked for what is called mono vision. One contact for close up and one for far away. He did the exam and suggested bifocal contacts.
When he tested my vision one eye at a time the Rx strength would need to be very strong. When he tested my vision with both eyes together the RX strength didn't need to be that strong. Translation? My eyes work great together, so having one eye for short vision and the other for far away would never work. I'd feel lopsided. So bifocal it is.
Then work got busy and I never could get back to the office to pick them up. I was so worried about how they would be. I hear how people talk all the time about getting bifocal glasses and how hard it is to adjust to them.
Finally, I went to pick them up. Holy Cow!! When she told me the cost I 'bout near dropped my teeth! Oh the price of vanity. A cheap pair of reading glasses from Wal-mart would have worked quite nicely. I just couldn't get past the vision of my mother. She is a great lady and she and I share many of the same traits, esp the older I get. I'm just not ready for the age of a pair of glasses on my head, a pair around my neck and a pair in one hand and still be tearing around the house screeching: "Where are my glasses!" Nope. Not yet. So pay for the little buggers I did.
It was worth every penny! It's just like wearing the regular ones, only now I'm not squinting and stretching my arms when I have to read something. In fact every now and then I wonder if they are really bifocal and run to get something to read.
The Dr. commented that I was seeing none to good with my far away vision as well. So, I asked for what is called mono vision. One contact for close up and one for far away. He did the exam and suggested bifocal contacts.
When he tested my vision one eye at a time the Rx strength would need to be very strong. When he tested my vision with both eyes together the RX strength didn't need to be that strong. Translation? My eyes work great together, so having one eye for short vision and the other for far away would never work. I'd feel lopsided. So bifocal it is.
Then work got busy and I never could get back to the office to pick them up. I was so worried about how they would be. I hear how people talk all the time about getting bifocal glasses and how hard it is to adjust to them.
Finally, I went to pick them up. Holy Cow!! When she told me the cost I 'bout near dropped my teeth! Oh the price of vanity. A cheap pair of reading glasses from Wal-mart would have worked quite nicely. I just couldn't get past the vision of my mother. She is a great lady and she and I share many of the same traits, esp the older I get. I'm just not ready for the age of a pair of glasses on my head, a pair around my neck and a pair in one hand and still be tearing around the house screeching: "Where are my glasses!" Nope. Not yet. So pay for the little buggers I did.
It was worth every penny! It's just like wearing the regular ones, only now I'm not squinting and stretching my arms when I have to read something. In fact every now and then I wonder if they are really bifocal and run to get something to read.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Hi Michael!
Pardon me for just a moment Blogging Buddies. I think my man has been reading my blog which just tickles me pink!
Michael, leave me a comment please. Just remember this is the internet. ANYONE can read what you write. I can not even begin to tell you how BAD I want to talk to you RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE!
I love you.
Michael, leave me a comment please. Just remember this is the internet. ANYONE can read what you write. I can not even begin to tell you how BAD I want to talk to you RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE!
I love you.
Friday, July 13, 2007
I Did It Again!!
Seventeen years ago Michael left for Desert Storm. He stayed on ship for the first months and then they went to land. He called me from where they were at and he says to me:
"I'm so close to it I can hear the bombs dropping"
"Really? You know Kevin did ........."
Um, can we back up. Bombs?! what?! Close?! Oh honey are you going to be OK? I love and miss you so much. Be careful and I'll be praying for you. Oh no not me. I have for years called it survival mode. Also, known as denial and or stupidity. But that was ~ 17 years ago.
Let's move forward in time.
July 11, 0615: Hey! I made it. It was a long trip, but I'm safe. I really can't talk long
it's 2215 here and the guys that picked me up are waiting on me. Oh,
I don't know if you've heard but there's a Typhoon heading this way.
OK, I'm glad your there. Thanks for calling. I LOVE you. Get some
good sleep.
As I'm driving to work I'm going over the conversation in my head and grinning like a fool because he called me. Then I realize, I did it again. A Typhoon?! A what? huh? Are you ok? what's that mean? So all day at work I'm at the computer as often as possible looking at the weather. I never could get on a good site that would tell me exactly what was happening.
Then behold, today I went to Just Laugh's site and there was the satellite picture of the Typhoon.
The real irony of all this is the day before Michael left he went to the gro. store and filled my utility room to the brim with all manner of canned goods and water---in case of a natural disaster.
At the time I shook my head and clucked my tongue. On the inside though my heart was swelling to bursting. While I may not completely understand, I do know that my husband loves us tremendously and takes very seriously his role of protector and provider.
"I'm so close to it I can hear the bombs dropping"
"Really? You know Kevin did ........."
Um, can we back up. Bombs?! what?! Close?! Oh honey are you going to be OK? I love and miss you so much. Be careful and I'll be praying for you. Oh no not me. I have for years called it survival mode. Also, known as denial and or stupidity. But that was ~ 17 years ago.
Let's move forward in time.
July 11, 0615: Hey! I made it. It was a long trip, but I'm safe. I really can't talk long
it's 2215 here and the guys that picked me up are waiting on me. Oh,
I don't know if you've heard but there's a Typhoon heading this way.
OK, I'm glad your there. Thanks for calling. I LOVE you. Get some
good sleep.
As I'm driving to work I'm going over the conversation in my head and grinning like a fool because he called me. Then I realize, I did it again. A Typhoon?! A what? huh? Are you ok? what's that mean? So all day at work I'm at the computer as often as possible looking at the weather. I never could get on a good site that would tell me exactly what was happening.
Then behold, today I went to Just Laugh's site and there was the satellite picture of the Typhoon.
The real irony of all this is the day before Michael left he went to the gro. store and filled my utility room to the brim with all manner of canned goods and water---in case of a natural disaster.
At the time I shook my head and clucked my tongue. On the inside though my heart was swelling to bursting. While I may not completely understand, I do know that my husband loves us tremendously and takes very seriously his role of protector and provider.
Where Have I Been?
I've been to London to visit the Queen.
Yea right!
Let's back up to Friday July 6th. I worked all day and then we drove to Disney Land. We stayed the night in a very nice Motel/Hotel.
Saturday: Off to Disney Land and California Adventure Land. We all had a great time. If we had it to do over again we'd let the kids bring friends that liked to ride roller coasters and go to California Adventure land first. We'd also drive over early the morning of our adventure and stay the night there after playing all day. That wasn't possible this time because I was on call Sunday.
Sunday: I worked for 10 hours. I was NOT a happy camper. I just kept thinking I have to work Monday AND I'm on call again. This was a huge big deal to me because Michael was leaving Tuesday. So after stewing for most of the day, I finally picked up the phone called my friend/boss and told there was just no way I could do it. Not only was I not going to be on call Monday I wasn't coming to work at all! She was very understanding and gracious. When I finally left work I met Gab and Michael at a friend's house for dinner. Very nice relaxing time.
Monday: Michael and I ran errands and packed and visited. Michael spent some time with the kids. Busy day. I managed to pick up the house and cooked a really nice meal for all of us.
Tuesday: up at 0230 to get Michael to the airport. Kevin was still up so he helped Michael load the car and said good bye. He chose not to go to the airport. Gab and I took him and said goodbye. We did really well. I did choke up but I kept it back. Then I took Gab to a friend's house and I went to work. I was on call again as well so it was a very late, long day for me.
Wednesday: To work for me. Gab and Kevin stayed home so the furniture could be delivered. Oh, it was SOOO nice to come home to the smell of new leather. I sank down and didn't move again for hours.
Thursday: 0045 Gab and I had a major blow up. Not fun. We finally went to bed. I was up at 0500 and off to work again. The bus schedule and fare were left on the table and the car keys went to work with me. She was not happy with my decision but I stood my ground. I got home at a decent hour tonight and both Gab and Kev were home all evening with me. I enjoyed it.
Friday: That's today. Work. Gab drove herself to her orthodontics appt. with a friend. Here I am finally at the computer. Sounds so boring to type it all out in this manner. It does give you a feel maybe for what life has been like the last week.
This post reminds me of when I was in the 6th grade. When my mom would come home from work I would follow her around the house and tell her about my day. I don't remember her ever just sitting down and listening. She had things to do. Now as a working mom I completely understand. Anyhow, I didn't just hit the highlights of the day. I would start with the first class of the day and tell her something that happened and wouldn't stop until I had gone through the whole day!
Yea right!
Let's back up to Friday July 6th. I worked all day and then we drove to Disney Land. We stayed the night in a very nice Motel/Hotel.
Saturday: Off to Disney Land and California Adventure Land. We all had a great time. If we had it to do over again we'd let the kids bring friends that liked to ride roller coasters and go to California Adventure land first. We'd also drive over early the morning of our adventure and stay the night there after playing all day. That wasn't possible this time because I was on call Sunday.
Sunday: I worked for 10 hours. I was NOT a happy camper. I just kept thinking I have to work Monday AND I'm on call again. This was a huge big deal to me because Michael was leaving Tuesday. So after stewing for most of the day, I finally picked up the phone called my friend/boss and told there was just no way I could do it. Not only was I not going to be on call Monday I wasn't coming to work at all! She was very understanding and gracious. When I finally left work I met Gab and Michael at a friend's house for dinner. Very nice relaxing time.
Monday: Michael and I ran errands and packed and visited. Michael spent some time with the kids. Busy day. I managed to pick up the house and cooked a really nice meal for all of us.
Tuesday: up at 0230 to get Michael to the airport. Kevin was still up so he helped Michael load the car and said good bye. He chose not to go to the airport. Gab and I took him and said goodbye. We did really well. I did choke up but I kept it back. Then I took Gab to a friend's house and I went to work. I was on call again as well so it was a very late, long day for me.
Wednesday: To work for me. Gab and Kevin stayed home so the furniture could be delivered. Oh, it was SOOO nice to come home to the smell of new leather. I sank down and didn't move again for hours.
Thursday: 0045 Gab and I had a major blow up. Not fun. We finally went to bed. I was up at 0500 and off to work again. The bus schedule and fare were left on the table and the car keys went to work with me. She was not happy with my decision but I stood my ground. I got home at a decent hour tonight and both Gab and Kev were home all evening with me. I enjoyed it.
Friday: That's today. Work. Gab drove herself to her orthodontics appt. with a friend. Here I am finally at the computer. Sounds so boring to type it all out in this manner. It does give you a feel maybe for what life has been like the last week.
This post reminds me of when I was in the 6th grade. When my mom would come home from work I would follow her around the house and tell her about my day. I don't remember her ever just sitting down and listening. She had things to do. Now as a working mom I completely understand. Anyhow, I didn't just hit the highlights of the day. I would start with the first class of the day and tell her something that happened and wouldn't stop until I had gone through the whole day!
Monday, July 2, 2007
Bless Your Heart!
When we lived in Pensacola a Dr. told me that in the South you could say anything about anyone as long as you began the statement with; "Bless your heart". Well, this just cracked me up because I am from the South and happen to say bless you heart quite a bit.
The other day at work I was sharing this story with a couple people that I work with. My example was: "Bless her heart, she's just the ugliest thing that ever walked." Every one laughed and for the past few days one of my co harts would just random look at me and say, "Bless your heart."
Today I did find my husband and we did all my errands together. It was a wonderfully relaxed, productive day. One of my stops was at the hospital. While I was there I found this bag with my name on it. In the bag was a gift from another girl that I work with. It is a yearly calendar; one where you turn the page for a new verse and saying for each day. On the cover it said: Bless your Heart. I cracked up!! It was a very serious gift that was just perfect for the moment. Made me laugh obviously because of the running commentary on Bless Your Heart.
So, you guys have a great day and Bless your little 'ole hearts!
The other day at work I was sharing this story with a couple people that I work with. My example was: "Bless her heart, she's just the ugliest thing that ever walked." Every one laughed and for the past few days one of my co harts would just random look at me and say, "Bless your heart."
Today I did find my husband and we did all my errands together. It was a wonderfully relaxed, productive day. One of my stops was at the hospital. While I was there I found this bag with my name on it. In the bag was a gift from another girl that I work with. It is a yearly calendar; one where you turn the page for a new verse and saying for each day. On the cover it said: Bless your Heart. I cracked up!! It was a very serious gift that was just perfect for the moment. Made me laugh obviously because of the running commentary on Bless Your Heart.
So, you guys have a great day and Bless your little 'ole hearts!
Not an Easy Time
I have written a thousand blogs in my head. But can't seem to find the time to get to the computer. I can read from work, but writing or commenting is difficult.
Seems that we are short on staff and two girls still got to take vacation so that leaves just the 2 of us to take call. Every other night and the holiday isn't fun. Esp. since Michael is leaving for Oky on the 10th. It won't last and I did get my vacation, just the timing really stinks!!
Then there is the issue of how I am struggling so hard with this. I have been quite shocked at how I am handling things. When he went to Desert Storm I had just delivered Kevin. Well not just delivered, he was all of 6 weeks. Gabrielle was 13 months. There were relatives swarming the place in shifts; what with Michael leaving and a new grandkid in the house there would have been no keeping them away. I never would have wanted to. The point is I was kept busy and surrounded with family. He was gone before I had time to blink and then I had no choice but to kick into survival mode.
This time my kids are 17 and 18. I'm working what seems like all the time and struggling with old anger issues. I know that when the time comes I'll kick in the old survival mode method. In the mean time I'm praying to hold the tongue and tears in check so that I can actually enjoy this wonderful gift of a man that God has given me.
Now, on that note I have to go find him! He left to take Gab somewhere this morning and has yet to return home. That 45 min trip has turned into about 3 hours. This is typical of my husband so I'm not worried so much as frustrated. I actually managed to have the day off, though on call and was hoping to spend it with him. I thought I had communicated that with him; obviously not very well. :)
I'll be back with a smile eventually. I only air my dirty laundry because a know there is a slew of you out there that kind of sort of like me or at least see that I could stand to be up lifted in prayer. I have been lurking; your post have made me cry and laugh and have kept me connected with reality. Thank you ever so much.
Seems that we are short on staff and two girls still got to take vacation so that leaves just the 2 of us to take call. Every other night and the holiday isn't fun. Esp. since Michael is leaving for Oky on the 10th. It won't last and I did get my vacation, just the timing really stinks!!
Then there is the issue of how I am struggling so hard with this. I have been quite shocked at how I am handling things. When he went to Desert Storm I had just delivered Kevin. Well not just delivered, he was all of 6 weeks. Gabrielle was 13 months. There were relatives swarming the place in shifts; what with Michael leaving and a new grandkid in the house there would have been no keeping them away. I never would have wanted to. The point is I was kept busy and surrounded with family. He was gone before I had time to blink and then I had no choice but to kick into survival mode.
This time my kids are 17 and 18. I'm working what seems like all the time and struggling with old anger issues. I know that when the time comes I'll kick in the old survival mode method. In the mean time I'm praying to hold the tongue and tears in check so that I can actually enjoy this wonderful gift of a man that God has given me.
Now, on that note I have to go find him! He left to take Gab somewhere this morning and has yet to return home. That 45 min trip has turned into about 3 hours. This is typical of my husband so I'm not worried so much as frustrated. I actually managed to have the day off, though on call and was hoping to spend it with him. I thought I had communicated that with him; obviously not very well. :)
I'll be back with a smile eventually. I only air my dirty laundry because a know there is a slew of you out there that kind of sort of like me or at least see that I could stand to be up lifted in prayer. I have been lurking; your post have made me cry and laugh and have kept me connected with reality. Thank you ever so much.
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